grimoireofkenji

[ARCHIVED FROM TWITTER] Jam at 5am!

2020-05-20T19:27:57Z

You're about to go to sleep. It's 5am, and you feel really guilty for having pulled an all-nighter again. As you turn off your PC and prepare to hit the hay, you hear a loud CRASH coming from the kitchen, followed by a horrifying loud noise. You can't even distinguish what it is. You worriedly make your way to the kitchen, quickly, but not too aggressively. Who knows what could be in there? You can hear more horrifying sounds emanating from the kitchen, but not as loud as before. As you approach the dark kitchen, you see a slight glow from the doorway.

You step inside warily. It's the fridge. And in front of the fridge is a tall, pale figure, hunched over. From behind them, you can see a tank top hanging off of one shoulder and a pair of plain panties. You can make out a body covered in freckles in the fluorescence.

Both the figure's arms are rifling through the refrigerator recklessly, knocking things about.

Her other two arms, protruding from her back like wings, hold the fridge door open and scratch her freckled butt. The figure lets out a yawn. You clear your throat, loudly, to get her attention.

In an instant, she stands up to her full height, about the same as yours. She drops a mason jar of chicken soup and loudly curses(?) in a language(?) you can't comprehend. Just hearing it causes your head to throb as if there were a needle piercing it.

"Oh! Apologies, human." Her voice is monotone. She turns to you, her yellow eyes glowing. She snaps a finger and the jar reforms itself before your eyes. "I'm just looking for my bottle of calpico from 1998. I had to reach back more than twenty years for it, you know."

You flick on the kitchen light and she hisses. You're not sure why. She's not sensitive to light. She stands before you, her pale body obscuring the still-open refrigerator. Looking again, her panties are cute. They've got Keroppi on the front.

She snaps again and reaches her hand into a suddenly formed void. "What? Why does it have to be 1998?" You ask, confused.

"They simply don't make it like they used to. That’s what you humans say, isn’t it?" She flashes you a grin, her sharp teeth catching the kitchen light.

You can do nothing but stare as your Eldritch freeloader of a roommate grabs a drink from the void, adjusts her mop of white hair, and wanders out the kitchen and down the hallway.

"Put on some pants!" You call down the hallway, defeated. She didn't do anything wrong, but you still want to scold her. Any win is still a win.

From down the hallway, you hear her monotone voice. It travels way further than it should for how quiet it is. "Make me, Human."

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[ARCHIVED FROM TWITTER] Spending the Day Off With Jam!

2020-05-20T18:01:15Z

On a snowy evening, as you prepare to leave for work, you get a message from your boss, letting you know the place is closed due to inclement weather. You sigh in relief, and slink back into your couch. "I can get rid of this snow, you know." Jam remarks, relaxing with no pants.

"No, no, it's fine." You reply. You don't really want to go to work, anyway. "Okay, suit yourself." She replies, her horrible posture concealing her full height as she walks back into her room, hair messy and oversized sweater stained.

You call over to her. "Hey, why don't we marathon that anime you were telling me about?" Jam, seemingly caught off-guard, turns to you suddenly, her yellow eyes widening. You didn't think someone with eyebags that deep could emote that much. "I'd LOVE to, especially with you."

"wait, what was that?" You reply, incredulous. "Nothing, human. Just sit right here on the couch, while I retrieve the VHS player" she retorts sharply, probably to cover up how flustered she is. She reaches into a fist-sized portal, and pulls out a bundle of cassettes.

Jam, trying to ignore what just happened, pushes the cassette (the first of eight) into the VCR, and nonchalantly flops onto the couch next to you. As the tape plays, you notice she inches slightly closer to your arms. Within an hour, her head is a few inches from your face.

You, somehow completely drawn in by episode 3 of City Hunter, look down to notice she's basically within reach. You can smell the faint scent of sweat wafting off her. It's subtle, like maybe she showered... A few days ago. You sigh, and wrap your arms around her. It'd be better try and get her to bathe after all this. Plus, it's not like she smells bad. It's kind of inviting, actually.

When the tape ends, you try to make up an excuse to go change the tape. You try to get up and you're stopped immediately. "Don't you dare move, human." Jam says. She snaps her finger, and, in an instant, the next tape is playing. She places two of her arms on yours, firmly. She has surprising strength for such a thin body.

You end up falling asleep, holding your freeloading Eldritch roommate in your arms. She's completely motionless when you wake up, save for the gentle rising and falling of her chest as she breathes. As expected, she doesn't really need to sleep, so she's spent the night watching anime and making sure you never moved your arms from her waist.

You try to stretch and she hisses. "I can see why you like cats so much." You say, yawning. "Just a little while longer, human." Jam replies, ignoring your snark. She could reduce you to dust with a look. Her very presence should have driven you insane. But it isn't. She's instead commanding you to hold her tightly. Why?

You think about it. Is it because you let her live with you, rent-free? You're basically doing it out of fear. Could it be genuine attachment? As soon as you're about to work up the courage to inquire further, Jam finally allows you to release her, and she gets up, her body moving in an unnatural way, joints cracking grotesquely. She lets out a sound that hurts your head.

"was that a yawn?" You ask, kind of shrugging it off. "So what if it was?" She replied, filling up the food bowl by the windowsill she uses to feed the stray cats who make their way to the third floor fire escape every day. "Oh, human?" "Yes?"

"You make an acceptable pillow." "Pillows don't regularly engage in cuddling, but thanks." "Don't push your luck." "Er, sorry."

"but," Jam begins, her thin, bare, freckled legs curling freakishly into some kind of horror version of an pretzel position. You can see her panties. They're polka-dot today. They've been polka-dot for the past two days. You doubt she's changed them since she last showered.

"but?" You reply, waiting on her reply, and hoping she didn't notice you were looking under her oversized sweater. "BUT, I'd like you to serve as my pillow again, sometime." She finishes. Is that a hint of red on her cheeks?

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Jam and the SCP Foundation

2020-04-03T07:07:57Z

It’s been a long, cold spring day. The rain and winds haven’t let up at all. “Perfect for relaxing.” You think to yourself, strolling into your living room. You’ve been holed up in your room all day, reading manga and subsisting off of the various snacks you’ve had stored under your bed, hoping Jam wouldn’t find them, despite you being sure she’s been in there before.

Laying across your couch, bathed in the light of the television, her body taking up the entire sofa, is your Elder God roommate. Most would probably call her a squatter, since she doesn’t pay rent or… Really do anything of value. You kind of set it aside, since she’s cute, most of the time. For all intents and purposes, the being who can manipulate space-time is a smelly NEET.

Jam isn’t really watching the television. She’s laying there, one arm behind her head, one resting on the back of the couch. In her third hand, she holds your cell phone, confirming your theory about her rifling through your stuff. In her fourth, she holds a Zippo you keep on your bedside table. She repeatedly opens and closes the cap idly. As she does so, the outside of the light rusts, and returns back to its former state instantly. She’s aging and de-aging the lighter for fun.

“What are you doing, Jam?” You inquire, your arms crossed. You were really hoping to relax on the couch.

“Well, human, I was browsing this thing called the SCP Wiki on your phone!” A smug smile grows across her face. “Do you think I’m anomalous enough to be contained?” She chuckles lightly. She scrunches up her legs a little so you can sit on the couch. It’s like she read your mind. That, or perhaps you grumbling occasionally finally got to her.

“Actually, yes. You’re extremely anomalous.” You respond, playing along. “As a matter of fact, if you give me back my phone, I’ll probably contact them to see if they can contain you.” You laugh at the idea. Jam can manipulate time and space to her whim. She can reach back a day, or a decade and grab any kind of thing through a hole in the void. There’s no way anything could contain her, let alone a fictional organization.

“W-wait, huh?” The Elder God’s yellow eyes widen. She stares at you, clearly a little spooked. The aging and de-aging of the lighter increases in intensity. Soon, she’s reduced it to dust and reverted it into its base metals in a panic. “You wouldn’t actually, would you, human?”

You stare deep into her bottomless yellow eyes. She seems genuinely frightened by the prospect of being captured by the SCP Foundation. This girl on your couch can tear the universe asunder with a snap of her fingers, or end a timeline with a cough. But here she is, looking up at you in fear she’ll be contained by a fictional organization created from old /x/ creepypastas, her lip quivering meekly. She wraps her four arms around her knees, scrunching up her long legs against her body. “You’re a filthy lesser being, I knew I couldn’t trust you…” She mutters.

“Listen, Jam. I was just kidding. I’d never tell anyone about you! You’re far too important to me.” You say, flashing a comforting smile. You reach out your hand and ruffle her messy white hair gently. Her long, elf-like ears perk up immediately and she seems less upset within seconds. It seems the more anime she watches, the more “human” she acts. Not that you’re complaining. You get a cute girl living in your apartment. It’s well-worth the cost of a family’s supply of Cup Noodles weekly.

The TV in front of the couch continues to cast it’s glow on the two of you.

Jam sniffles slightly, looking up at you. “Am I truly important to you, human?”

“Of course.”

“Yeah, I don’t doubt it. You don’t seem to have any friends.” A sharp smile crosses her freckled face.

Typical Elder God. Give them an inch, and they take an entire timeline.

“T-THAT’S NOT IT!” You say, offended and taken off guard. “Humans are just.. We’re not supposed to leave home much! It’s a big flu season, and It’s easy to get sick, and-”

“It’s okay, you can say it. You like being home with me.”

Truth be told, you don’t really mind. There is the issue of Jam not having bathed in about a week, but you’re sure if you keep telling her to do it, she’ll eventually give in.

“I guess I don’t really mind it. You’re cute, after all.”

“I did design this vessel to be appealing to humans, after all.” She replies haughtily. Who would think rows of sharp teeth, horrible eyesight, a tall, lanky body with no breasts, and elf ears was conventionally attractive?

You don’t respond, and pick up the remote. There’s an episode of Ranma ½ playing. After a few minutes, the world’s worst squatter leans her head on your shoulder, watching comfortably. Eventually, a small smile can be seen on her face.

“Hey, Jam?” You say.

“What is it, Human?” replies your permanent home invader.

“The SCP Foundation isn’t real.”

“WHAT?”

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